Critical Investigation tutorial – second

•         In some ways this is an improvement on the first draft but there’s still a lot to work on – I don’t think this could move higher than the top of level 2 which is 24/48 (a D grade). It’s extremely frustrating that some of the issues highlighted in your first draft feedback have not been addressed.
•          Written English is still NOWHERE near the standard required for A2 – so many clumsy sentences that don’t make sense. Look at the first page alone – so many errors in punctuation and grammar. At A2 level this is unacceptable. Either you are not proofreading or you seriously need to work on the quality of your proofreading – either way, it doesn’t reflect well on you.
•          Research is better but there’s still a lack of strong academic quotes – out of 36 footnotes only 7 have a page number which suggests there’s a distinct lack of high quality academic sources.
•          Linked to research, you interpret some of these quotes and theories in completely the wrong way – when Dyer writes about power he is talking about the Media, not individuals or families.
•          I think it’s clear you need to simplify the argument you are trying to make and then stick to it ruthlessly. I advise: what effect do these texts have on white British audiences? What effect do these texts have on British Asian audiences? You then need to make sure every paragraph fits into this basic approach.
•          To help with the above you can add Gerbner’s cultivation theory – ideal for the impact TV has on people over time.
•          There are whole sections you can take out – they are adding nothing to the essay. Look over the draft for more on this.
•          The section towards the end on lack of diversity in film and TV industries is great – more of this please. Some recent articles will help with this: https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2017/mar/02/riz-ahmed-warns-lack-of-diversity-on-tv-will-drive-young-to-isis https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/mar/09/samuel-l-jackson-black-british-actors-hollywood-valid
•          The conclusion needs work – it just doesn’t make sense. Re-write this once the whole essay focuses ruthlessly on representations of Asians in TV and film and the effect these representations have one white British audiences and Asian audiences.
•          Your bibliography is still not in the correct format – did you do this through Microsoft Word? I think you can improve this – a very good bibliography could be the factor pushing you into the higher levels.